You will never guess what I did from the 17th to the 20th. No, seriously, you never will unless I tell you, or unless you happen to be perceptive and look down…
Anyway, I’m going to tell you, because it’s far too awesome to be kept to myself (which I haven’t really done anyway, because I told some friends).
On the 17th, my boyfriend Juan came up to meet me in person and we had the most STELLAR weekend (or at least I did, I can only hope he did and take his word for it). We went to dinner on the 18th, then to prom. That night was magical, but so was all of the 19th and 20th (we saw The Avengers on the 19th, but that wasn’t as fun as some of the other things we did).
Essentially, I feel like I’ve finally found someone that cares about me in the same way I care about them (which, for my friends, is a lot harder than you might think, sorry). It kind of renders a whole lot of my other problems (most of them psychological) dead in the water, which feels amazing.
More importantly though, I feel as though I’ve met the best person in the world, and if any of you have ever felt this way, you’ll know exactly what I mean.
Sorry for not updating recently, but I’ve been a tad occupied, if you couldn’t tell.
So I thought it was about time to post some more stuff.
I‘m coming along pretty good, and all that jazz; blah bla- I FOUND A BOYFRIEND! And here I was a monthish ago crying over how I’m totally unlovable and how I’ll never find somebody that’ll like me that way, and BAM! Obviously, this is huge for me! Never been happier (well, I have. But, that’s a story for another time) and even though I still have down days, the not-down days are the absolute bomb.
Also, it’s getting easier for people to tell that things are changing… Just the other day, my mom was telling me about how she noticed that my boobs were getting bigger, and I just stopped for a moment and went, “How do you notice that? They’re supposed to be tiny, remember?” My face is nicer too, but that’s all a matter of perspective isn’t it? All I know is, I can’t walk by a mirror without going, “Wow, what an adorable person you are!” Either out loud or otherwise.
Oh wow. I just got back from Italy, and that’s not even the good times I’m talking about. But that was a great time! I might talk about it, but maybe not.
What makes this good times for me right now is the fading away of my ability to constantly hate the way I look. After a week away from most things, I looked in the mirror and realized some of the changes that have been progressing lately, and it made me so happy.
Even though I’m not really where I want to be, I can see that I’m getting there, and it’s not all impossible; and I can finally look at myself in the mirror and smile wide again.
Woo! My meds finally got here after I had begun to break into my emergency stash of estrogen! I still went about a week without the spiro and all that though, and that was one hell of a bad week, I tell you what.
I noticed the other day that my non-responsiveness to boyname has become a whole lot less, “I’ll ignore you until you get it right, so I don’t correct you and make it awkward.” and has become a whole lot more, “Doot doot doot. Why is that person making noise?” Honestly, I am starting to not recognize my old name, and to be honest, I’m not 100% sure how I feel about that.
Regardless of how it makes me fell, I’ll tell you one thing: It’s downright exhilarating! It’s like the roller coaster has been moving slowly up the chain for what seems like ages, and I’m finally sitting at the top of the first drop; a split second away from the ride of my life. Except it’s not one of those blink-of-an-eye split seconds. It’s one of those frozen-time forever seconds, and I’m in the front cart.
Anyway; Good feelings, girly vibes, lethargic moments, and a painful painful chest. I’m gonna have a hell of a time.
Okay so, there’s lots I want to say, but very little words that can actually describe how happy I was both today and yesterday. So with that said, I’ll stick to brief sentences and/or words in an attempt to convey all the awesome I’ve been feeling lately.
Smiley, girly, clear-minded, hair, shoes, music, boobs, friends, fun, lovely, cozy, giggly, and generally all-round AMAZINGLY HAPPY!
And the crazy thing is, that comes nowhere close to describing how happy I am or the reasons for why I’m so happy. A lot of it is just inexplicable, untamed, wild HAPPY!
Also, all sorts of contemplations as far as my personal transition and trans-experience goes, that could totally (but not really) alter the way I look at things moving forward. Not gonna post too much about that until I’ve had a chance to bore some close friends with my thoughts though.
I love you all!
You know those days where everything is working great, and it makes you happy, and you smile all day? Yeah, one of those days. You know when you’re still having one of those days even though your chest hurts like the dickens because you rolled over onto your stomach whilst asleep and didn’t roll back until you awoke the next morning in a bit of a soreness? Well, maybe not, but one of those days too.
Also, a wild Rowan appeared. Feelings about that when I feel like it. (you see what ah did there?)
All sorts of girly vibes too, but that’s an older story that you’ve been hearing off and on for a while now. All sorts this week though. Have fun!
Nothing like reading a bunch of posts by mtf’s most of which are really depressing/negative/fucked up, and crying for hours because you realize how many of those exact thoughts you share.
I feel like if I were to post something like that it would be something along the lines of “I feel like I can’t actually talk to any of my friends about my problems or why I’m so damn depressed, because I realize that I share feelings with more of the ‘I feel like a freak because _____’ than I’d be willing to admit to any of my friends for fear of sounding like even more of a freak than I think I already am sometimes.”
But, I probably won’t post something like that, (or anything at all for that matter) because it doesn’t even begin to encompass how I’m feeling, or how I feel every day, or how I’ve felt for my whole life.
Just putting that out there. You all have a good weekend now, y’hear?
Just pre-registered for a day-long course on Navigating Name & Gender Change, and Accessing Trans Healthcare through Medi-Cal! The extra cool thing about this is, they even give me the forms and pay the registration fee for name change for me! That’s a saving of $350! And there’s no cover charge, and I have a ride, and it’s this Saturday in Sacramento, and I’m super excited!
In other news, I just got bad news about my credits, and apparently I’m pretty deficient, so I might not graduate if I don’t get my shit together! But, that’s no problem, I got this on lockdown. Wish me luck!
Oh gosh! First day of German class today! I can already tell this is going to be all sorts of fun! Had a bit of confusion when asked to pick my Deutsch Name, as Petra was already on the list, and he seemed to imply he wanted us to pick a different name, so I went with a non-listed nicknameish short form and am now Petzi in German class. Also, I was full of all sorts of internal grins and happy squeeks when the instructor (totally intentionally, but it was still awesome) used feminine pronouns to inform the class what my German name was.
That was all fun and cool. I got to see my friend Demitrius before he leaves for the rest of the semester to live in the woods, or some related hippy stuff, and that was definitely welcome, because I thought I had said a last goodbye yesterday, and then was pleasantly surprised to see I got one last hug before his departure.
My friend Brooke gave me a hug in the hallway after German too, and her shoulder hit me quite hard in my already sore chest. But, at least that’s a good sort of pain. It’s a pain that reminds me my dreams are slowly coming true!
Well, if there’s anything I can say about mood swings, it’s that they’re not all bad I suppose.
I was feeling pretty down for a lot of the day, then suddenly, for no apparent reason, at around 1:00pm I was hit by this amazing wave of feel-goods and all sorts of girly vibes. I’ve been riding that wave since then, and it’s about 11:00 pm now…
I wish I could say I feel this way all the time.
Today I walked into a gendered toilet. I felt horrible.
I had just given the name Petra to the person at the counter when I ordered my food, and then I walked into a boy’s bathroom after about 5 minutes of stressed-out pondering and a whole mess of social anxiety and of course the fact that my bladder felt like it was about to burst.
Upon entering the restroom, I almost instantly hated myself for being weak-willed and cried a bit. Then I told myself I’d go talk to some people that could fix such problems for places a bit more relevant to me, but realized I probably won’t even do that, because I’m too much of a bitch to stand up for myself.
Oh well, have a nice day all you happy people. Wish me luck on finals.
My chest hurts, and not in a heat-attack way, but in a boob way. I also named them. Is that normal? If it is, it’s probably not normal that I name everything I have after Ramones songs…
In other news, we wrote a punk song about burning down a restaurant in music performance last weekish, and yesterday; I wrote a saddish song to hand to my band for consideration. Over all, good times!
Photo’s taken by my awesome friend Athena!
My hormones came in the mail today! I am so super happy, I can barely think right now. I’m just going to chill until I take my first dose tomorrow.
There will be pictures then!
This evening I had another meeting with my therapist, and we talked a whole lot about social things in terms of change and transition.
I came to the realization that all of my friends and basically everyone around me is really really awesome, and I can’t believe how lucky I am to have you all. Love ya!