Woo! My meds finally got here after I had begun to break into my emergency stash of estrogen! I still went about a week without the spiro and all that though, and that was one hell of a bad week, I tell you what.
I noticed the other day that my non-responsiveness to boyname has become a whole lot less, “I’ll ignore you until you get it right, so I don’t correct you and make it awkward.” and has become a whole lot more, “Doot doot doot. Why is that person making noise?” Honestly, I am starting to not recognize my old name, and to be honest, I’m not 100% sure how I feel about that.
Regardless of how it makes me fell, I’ll tell you one thing: It’s downright exhilarating! It’s like the roller coaster has been moving slowly up the chain for what seems like ages, and I’m finally sitting at the top of the first drop; a split second away from the ride of my life. Except it’s not one of those blink-of-an-eye split seconds. It’s one of those frozen-time forever seconds, and I’m in the front cart.
Anyway; Good feelings, girly vibes, lethargic moments, and a painful painful chest. I’m gonna have a hell of a time.
I feel terrible, because when I said I was feeling better last night over the phone, and today in person, I lied. And I feel like I kinda let you down when I didn’t stop, even though I said I was better.
You know those days where everything is working great, and it makes you happy, and you smile all day? Yeah, one of those days. You know when you’re still having one of those days even though your chest hurts like the dickens because you rolled over onto your stomach whilst asleep and didn’t roll back until you awoke the next morning in a bit of a soreness? Well, maybe not, but one of those days too.
Also, a wild Rowan appeared. Feelings about that when I feel like it. (you see what ah did there?)
All sorts of girly vibes too, but that’s an older story that you’ve been hearing off and on for a while now. All sorts this week though. Have fun!
Nothing like reading a bunch of posts by mtf’s most of which are really depressing/negative/fucked up, and crying for hours because you realize how many of those exact thoughts you share.
I feel like if I were to post something like that it would be something along the lines of “I feel like I can’t actually talk to any of my friends about my problems or why I’m so damn depressed, because I realize that I share feelings with more of the ‘I feel like a freak because _____’ than I’d be willing to admit to any of my friends for fear of sounding like even more of a freak than I think I already am sometimes.”
But, I probably won’t post something like that, (or anything at all for that matter) because it doesn’t even begin to encompass how I’m feeling, or how I feel every day, or how I’ve felt for my whole life.
Just putting that out there. You all have a good weekend now, y’hear?
Well, if there’s anything I can say about mood swings, it’s that they’re not all bad I suppose.
I was feeling pretty down for a lot of the day, then suddenly, for no apparent reason, at around 1:00pm I was hit by this amazing wave of feel-goods and all sorts of girly vibes. I’ve been riding that wave since then, and it’s about 11:00 pm now…
I wish I could say I feel this way all the time.