Yes, I realize I haven’t posted in a while. No, I don’t particularly care that much.
A bunch has happened lately, or maybe it just seems like a bunch to me. But, it’s definitely a mixed bunch, if it’s one at all.
Firstly, a couple friends took me to a local punk show (the first I’d ever been to) and even though I started out super awkward and standing in the back; I soon got into it all and had a LOAD of fun! I had a sore Sunday the next morning, but that wasn’t so bad. Also made some plans and things that might be cool. I’ll post later about that maybe.
Secondly, my 18th birthday was last Monday, and meine Über Freunden threw me a birthday party on like, two minutes notice and turned it into literally the best birthday I have had in my entire life. I know I say this a whole lot, but it’s true: I LOVE MY FRIENDS MORE THAN ANYTHING.
Third, emotional breakdowns FTW. And by ftw, I mean ftl. Yeah, see the last sentence of the paragraph above. Today was one of those days, but when I got home I could look myself in the mirror and got back around to ooh-ing and ah-ing over my boobs and generally thinking I’m adorable again, so it’s not all bad. Again, friends are the best thing ever.
Lastly, I’m leaving for Italy very soon! I’m pretty excited about that, and I won’t stop mentioning it until I’m out of breath and my cheeks are pink from all the giggling I’m doing about it.
Anyway; There’s my longish comeback post. I’m going to have fun hiking tomorrow. I hope you have a wonderful day, and I love you!
I feel terrible, because when I said I was feeling better last night over the phone, and today in person, I lied. And I feel like I kinda let you down when I didn’t stop, even though I said I was better.
Nothing like reading a bunch of posts by mtf’s most of which are really depressing/negative/fucked up, and crying for hours because you realize how many of those exact thoughts you share.
I feel like if I were to post something like that it would be something along the lines of “I feel like I can’t actually talk to any of my friends about my problems or why I’m so damn depressed, because I realize that I share feelings with more of the ‘I feel like a freak because _____’ than I’d be willing to admit to any of my friends for fear of sounding like even more of a freak than I think I already am sometimes.”
But, I probably won’t post something like that, (or anything at all for that matter) because it doesn’t even begin to encompass how I’m feeling, or how I feel every day, or how I’ve felt for my whole life.
Just putting that out there. You all have a good weekend now, y’hear?
Today I walked into a gendered toilet. I felt horrible.
I had just given the name Petra to the person at the counter when I ordered my food, and then I walked into a boy’s bathroom after about 5 minutes of stressed-out pondering and a whole mess of social anxiety and of course the fact that my bladder felt like it was about to burst.
Upon entering the restroom, I almost instantly hated myself for being weak-willed and cried a bit. Then I told myself I’d go talk to some people that could fix such problems for places a bit more relevant to me, but realized I probably won’t even do that, because I’m too much of a bitch to stand up for myself.
Oh well, have a nice day all you happy people. Wish me luck on finals.